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A few days ago I read a short article in the "Health" section of the March 17 issue of Time Magazine. It's called "Perils of Enhancement: Do Implants Trigger Suicide?", and it's about a study of Swedish breast implant recipients that was published in the British Medical Journal. The authors' research showed that women who have received breast implants for cosmetic reasons are three times more likely to commit suicide than women who do not have breast implants. Their results support the conclusions of previous studies that found a correlation between certain types of psychiatric disorders and the desire to undergo cosmetic security.

There's no doubt that many people have cosmetic surgery because of their insecurities. Insecurity, of course, is not a psychiatric disorder. Taken to an extreme level, though, it could be. I don't know what psychiatric conditions the authors were referring to, but the little synopsis of the study in Time got me thinking about my breast implants and the comments people make about them.

People have accused me of "selling out," of being a slave to my own insecurity, or of being compulsively in need of attention. I've been asked: "Why do you want to look like a sex toy?" At moments in the past I've even become a little defensive when people questioned me about my breasts. Here and there I found myself toying with the thought of having them reduced in size.

Whenever I reached that point, though, I'd become disgusted with myself. Why should I even contemplate taking out my breast implants just to placate other people? I LIKE big breasts. I always have. It would have been great if I had developed them naturally, but I didn't.

I was 20 years old when I had the surgery done. In retrospect that seems young, but I had already been stripping for two years. When I first started dancing I swore that I would never get implants. To me, back then, getting a cosmetic procedure seemed akin to admitting that something was "wrong" with my body, that I didn't have enough confidence in myself. A number of girls I knew got breast implants. Gradually, the thought of surgery did not seem like THAT big a deal to me. It no longer made me think that any of these women were compromising themselves. They wanted bigger breasts so they went out and bought a pair of them. They were still the same people- now they just had big racks. For the most part they were all happy with them.

I started wondering what battle I was fighting with my resolve to stay "natural." Big boobs had always turned me on. I admired them on other women. "She's so lucky," I would think. Well, with the help of modern technology I could be lucky too. Let me say here that I've always found lots of different types of women attractive. They certainly don't have to have big boobs to be beautiful or very appealing to me, but for some reason a large set of melons always does stir something within me. Who knows why- it just is what it is. I could sit here and toss out hundreds and hundreds of euphemisms for breasts, and become vaguely aroused just by saying them. Hooters, titties, milkhorns, funbags, breasteses, udders, cans, lungs, pillows, cockwarmers, chesticles, on and on.

Anyhow, my aversion to plastic surgery started to seem silly. I wasn't insecure because I wanted big breasts- I just wanted big breasts. I'll admit, though, that as a stripper I had a financial incentive as well.

Two weeks after the surgery I returned to work. All the girls checked out my new boobs and squeezed them backstage, (wow, this was great!), and I hit the dance floor, ready to make double or triple the money I had made previously. That didn't happen. Over the course of the next few months my money stayed the same as it always had. Interesting. There was no financial boon. In a way, I wasn't disappointed at all. It sort of reconfirmed what I had suspected all along. Confidence comes from within. The customers in the clubs respond to your level of self-confidence. Go into most clubs and look at the dancers. They are all different shapes and sizes, and there really is no commmon denominator in regards to who makes the most money and who gets the most attention. Sure, some men are obsessed with large breasts, but most just seem to like breasts in general, regardless of size.

I imagine breasts might seem like a novelty to men. Often I think of dicks and testicles and wonder what it would be like to have those on my body and be able to play with them all day. How would that feel, all that constant access? It fascinates me. I think each gender is somewhat fixated on the differences between their bodies. Particularly since society tells us that we're supposed to keep them covered up all the time. It seems natural to me that men like to ogle women. (Although they should know when it is or is not appropriate to do so. Women are not always "on stage." Go to a strip club or watch a porno if you want to stare unabashedly. At the very least, just be sly about it if you are checking someone out in public.)

At any rate, breast implants always seem to elicit a surprising amount of commentary. Many women lie about having them. They are entitled to do so, but I've never really understood why they do. Do they lie about having had braces on their teeth too? Do they try to pretend that they are not wearing makeup when they are? Why do they bother? Sometimes people look at my breasts and ask: "Are those real?" Yes, they are really mine. They are really part of my body. I really paid for them. I've never troubled myself to try and pretend that they were not implants. Who would I be fooling anyways? There aren't too many 115 lb. women around wth natural DD-size titties.

Although I have become very nonchalant about my breasts, I was not careless or cursory about having the procedure done. It is surgery, and it does behoove anybody who wants it to research surgeons and options very thoroughly. No one should ever bargain-shop or impulse-buy when it comes to surgery. Amazingly, I've seen numerous people do both because "Dr. So-and-So offers financing."

The study mentioned in Time is interesting because there is no doubt that sometimes people have cosmetic surgery for unhealthy reasons. Maybe they think it will change their lives or give them self-esteem. It won't. There are plenty of people, though, that just want to do a little improving on what Mother Nature gave them.