Large Dog Larry

Large Dog Larry is a legend in his own time and his notoriety has endured for decades. The Siren, a crusty old bar in Hermosa Beach, is Larry's domain. The old codgers there delight in hearing the tales of his latest adventures from around town and in the sack. Rumor has it that Larry, who is probably now in his late forties, vaulted to local prominence in the 1980's when he was a Penthouse Magazine photographer. The blonde Fabio hairstyle, wifebeater tank top, skintight jeans, and cowboy boots he sports today are probably what he was wearing back then. Larry accessorizes with gold jewelry, big belt buckles, dark sunglasses, and wiry chest hair. Quite often he will don a roguish leather vest to complete his ensemble. It is glorious to see him striding into the bar in the middle of the day on any given weekend, particularly since he still has an affinity for both steroids and tanning beds. His jeans are so tight that I know he has been circumcised even though I've never seen him naked. He's about 6'5, but I don't know if he's called "Large Dog" because of his height, his bulging rod, or both.

The Siren is the destination of confirmed alcoholics who don't fuck around with pretension. It has sat on the beach in Hermosa since the 1930's and opens at 6AM. Presumably it will be demolished to make way for a new condominium development or hotel as soon as the current owner dies. That's the way things have been going in Hermosa as waves of gentrification continue to wash over the city and beat all the character out of it. It is likely that most of The Siren's regular customers will be dead before the demise of the bar itself because most of them appear to be over 70 already. They don't even realize that the Large Dog is the only person in town who has continued to wear tight-ass, ball-pinching Levis 501s since the Heavy Metal music era died in the early nineties. Or was it the late eighties? Time is suspended inside the walls of The Siren. Incidentally, the place is aptly named. Many men have been lured inside its wood-panelled interior only to be crushed against the rocks. The rocks are the ice cubes at the bottom of their drinks. It takes a while for them to meet their fate, but it is a sound thrashing nonetheless.

Larry himself does not seem destined to follow that route. For him liquor is just an ancillary aid in scoring fresh pussy. That sounds kind of crass, but there's no need to mince words when talking about the Large Dog. Larry's livelihood is attracting women. Those who are not drawn to his flowing blonde locks and period wardrobe may well succumb to the fine grade of cocaine and unlimited cocktails that he proffers. He finds his potential conquests on Marina Avenue which is behind The Siren. Marina Avenue is dotted with many popular, trendy bars that are frequented by attractive women. None of these ladies would ever normally set a toe inside the grungy Siren, but that sometimes changes when they encounter Larry. Quite often he manages to coax beach babes away from the crowded pubs and restaurants and into The Siren where he can have their full attention.

Who are these women? It's difficult to make sweeping generalizations about them because they are so diverse, but they all seem to be very hungry for compliments, male attention, and flattery. Larry knows how to lay it on thick and he knows how to locate a mark.

A few weekends ago I had just sat down at my usual table inside The Siren. Jewell Marceau had come there with me for the first time. Her reaction was one of immediate disgust. "I can't believe you come to this shithole," she muttered. She looked at the cracked red Naugahyde booth I was sitting in and refused to make contact with it. Her eyes scanned the chipped glasses hanging above the bar and the small assortment of characters sitting around its perimeter. It appeared that most of them had been there since openning call at 6AM. A few were still alert enough to notice Jewell's contempt. I told her to go check out the other bars on Marina Avenue and promised I'd come meet her after I'd had one at The Siren. Of course I did not mention that one drink at The Siren is equivalent to 3 drinks at any normal establishment. I just wanted to get her out of there before one of the locals lobbed a handful of peanut shells at her disdainful face. The rest of the afternoon passed quietly because I never bothered to leave my Naugahyde booth and find Jewell.

A week later Jewell and I were in the boxing ring at the gym. We were doing a lot more conversing than training. It turned out that Jewell had had a fabulous time at the Marina Avenue bars the previous weekend. She'd met a hot guy and was planning to see him again. Not only that, she'd met another guy she thought I might like! It had been a long time since Id chanced upon anyone of interest so I was willing, even eager, to venture out on a blind date. Jewell could not wait to show me the picture she'd taken of the guy with her cellphone. She described him as a "hot stud" and said he had a captivating personality. He sounded awesome and I was excited to see what he looked like. She located the picture and handed me her phone with a flourish. I grabbed it from her and then almost fell out of the ring when I saw Large Dog Larry's tanned mug peering at me from underneath his gold-rimmed sunglasses.

I hadn't had a date in over 6 months and this was who Jewell wanted to set me up with?! Was this a sick joke? My anger surged, my pulse raced, and visions of Jewell's imminent demise flashed across my brain like a PowerPoint presentation. Of course she could not have known the reputation of the Large Dog. She doesn't live anywhere near Hermosa. But she really should have been able to recognize Larry for the serial philanderer that he is. I decided to pound some sense into her head. What was supposed to be a cardio kickboxing workout turned into a nasty, no-holds-barred brouhaha as I assailed her poor judgement and she defended her honor. You can view the outcome of this vicious, leotard-ripping brawl inside my Playhouse right now..

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I never would have dreamt that I'd ever get into a fight over Large Dog Larry.



- XXOO Tanya