Hi again! I posted the following thoughts on the Playhouse bulletin board maybe a month or so ago. The subject was on my mind again tonight and I reread what I had written and decided to put it up here with some modifications. Here it is:


Good afternoon! Thanks for your reactions to my last
(really long) post. It was nice to be able to let all
that out. Funny, I was reading something later last
night and came across this quote:

"We live in an atmosphere of shame. We are ashamed of
everything that is real about us; ashamed of
ourselves, our relatives, of our incomes, of our
accents, of our opinions, of our experience, just as
we are ashamed of our naked skins."-George Bernard
Shaw

Those words struck me as I read them because, in a
strange way, clothing is just another pretense. It's
just one more way people hide their true selves. It
has always seemed unhealthy to me when people ascribe
moral significance to nudity. I remember finding a
"dirty magazine" when I was young and getting caught
by my mother. She was horrified and told me what
"filth" it was. I asked her why. "It's wrong, it's
just WRONG!" was the only answer she could give me. I
must have been just 6 or 7, but somehow I knew at that
moment that the women in that magazine were being
vilified merely for displaying their sensuality and
not being ashamed of it. I knew they weren't really
doing anything wrong or bad.
Here and there as a kid I would always manage to
sneak peeks at other adult magazines, and I was glad
that the women in them were viewed in a negative
light. I was jealous of them and felt that I could
never be that pretty; I wanted a reason to dislike
them. In my heart of hearts I knew that they did not
deserve to be disparaged, but I was glad that society
did disparage them. How dare they be so glamorous and
bold and get all that attention without paying a
price!
As I got older my friends and I would have
hypothetical discussions along the lines of: "Would
you pose nude in Playboy if they paid you a million
dollars?" I would always very emphatically say "No,
never!" It was easy for me to say that because I never, ever
thought that I would have the opportunity; I
wasn't pretty enough and I didn't have big breasts. I
used to try and think of reasons why the women in the
magazines were contemptible. There really weren't any.
It was a big thing for me to finally accept my own
hypocrisy and admit to myself that I would love to be
in a magazine. I was still young and I thought it
would give me some type of validation in those teenage
years.
Any young girl can see the fascination men have with
nude or provocative women, and they can just as readily
discern the negativity with which many men view these
same women. It's all about power, and many men do not
want women to become too confident about their bodies
or their sexuality. If they can convince a woman that
relishing her own erotic nature will degrade her then
the man stays in control. It's sad that so many women
buy into that notion, and that "tramp," "floozy," and
"slut" are still such common words in our language.
It's sadder still that women use those words to
describe each other. As I wrote last night, I don't
champion wild promiscuity, but women should not have
to feel guilty about exploring their sexuality. Or
feel guilty about displaying their nude bodies in suitable circumstances. After all, X-rated material is always clearly labelled in this country so no one is forced to view explicit photos if they don't want to.
Appearing in an adult magazine was not the fulfilling thing I had imagined it would be as a young teenager, but I certainly have never regretted my decision to do so. Like the typical teenager I was unsure if I was attractive enough or compared favorably with other women in the appearance department. I thought that being selected for a nude layout would really boost my self esteem. On the day of my first shoot it quickly became obvious that the resulting photos were going to be the culmination of artfully applied makeup, well-styled hair, careful lighting, strategic camera angles, and padding in my bra. The person in that first set of photos looked nothing like me. It was a revelation.
Over the years I've heard the criticisms that the models in the magazines are "artificial." Some people decry the fact that the photos set unrealistic expectations for women. Well, yeah. The same commentary can be applied to the models that appear in Macy's catalogues, TV commercials, and music videos. It's all lighting, makeup, and posing. Most people are hip to that these days. Glossy, impossibly perfect images of women appear in every aspect of entertainment and sales. Those images help sell magazines, products, and everything else you can think of.
It's unfair that nude photos are always singled out as the ones that portray women in a pejorative light. Why should it be negative that someone looks at a sexy photo and masturbates? The men or women who are pleasuring themselves to these photos are in fact viewing the models as sex objects at that moment, but....... so what? Every reasoning individual knows that the naked woman has other aspects to her person besides her sex appeal. They just don't need to take that into account when they are jacking themselves off. It's not as if the woman is standing right there trying to carry on a conversation with them and be taken seriously.
Masturbation material helps provide some of the safest sex around and it is unfathomable to me that so many people denounce it. It's quick, easy gratification where no one gets their feelings hurt, becomes pregnant, or catches a disease. Yet so many people try to pretend that the models are "dirty" or have no self-respect.
Looking back at the years I have posed nude and done porno I can honestly say that I don't feel that I have compromised myself at all. I don't expect to have any regrets over my former profession when I'm older. Still, maybe I will encounter some people who will condemn me for some of the work I did. Who knows.
One thing I learned early on in the adult industry was that people never had much leverage with me if I was not ashamed of my sexuality. There were a few times in life when I briefly lost sight of that, but I always regrouped. I suppose that my reason for writing these words tonight is to encourage anyone reading them to reexamine their attitudes about women and sexuality. Are you one of those people who is intimidated by sexually confident ladies?
Women are entitled to enjoy and express their carnal nature without feeling guilty. Posing naked is not indicative of a character failing. All women should feel comfortable making personal choices regarding their own bodies, whatever those choices may be. --- XXOO Tanya